Little known fact about me, I became a nurse because I hated the feeling of not knowing how to help and make things better. This started after I had a very good friend suffer a traumatic brain injury in our senior year of high school. I would sit by his bedside and feel completely helpless, I couldn't make him better. And for me that is the worst feeling in the world.
In my years as a nurse, I've gotten over having to fix things. But I still feel like I at least need to make things better. At work, that sometimes means helping families come to grips with the fact that death is better than the life their child has been living. In life that means lending a shoulder or ear to someone who needs it and hoping that being their bouncing board will help ease their mind. It may also mean taking a bummed friend out for margaritas or just being weird and silly to get them to smile. Whatever it takes, I'm your girl.
But what do you do when nothing works? When being a friend just isn't enough? It hurts me not to be able to help heal. Nothing breaks my heart more. That feeling of helplessness leaves me undone. I can handle my pain much better than I can handle anyone else's. When someone I love is hurting, it breaks my stride. I can't just move on and say to myself, "That's their problem, they'll get over it," and move on with my life. I always feel like I could do more, even if I don't know what more is. Until I find what it is, I feel like a failure that it didn't just come naturally.
I try really hard to be a good friend, and it sucks monkey butt when my efforts just aren't good enough. *Sigh* But it sure doesn't stop me from trying...
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